How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

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Do you ever feel like your child just isn’t listening? Or maybe you want to help your child feel heard and understood. The classic book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish offers simple, practical ways to connect with your child. Here are seven powerful tips from the book that can make talking—and listening—much easier.

1. Acknowledge Feelings with Empathy

Children want to know that their feelings matter. When you show empathy, you help your child feel safe and understood.

Listen without judgment or correction.
Give your child your full attention when they’re upset. Don’t interrupt, correct, or judge—just listen quietly. This shows you care about what they feel.
Reflect back their feelings.
Use simple words like, “You seem really sad about this,” or “It sounds like you’re angry.” This tells your child that you understand and that their feelings are important.
Validate their emotions.
Avoid saying things like, “It’s not a big deal.” Instead, say, “I can see why that would make you upset.” This builds trust and makes it easier for your child to open up.

2. Engage Cooperation Through Positive Language

Getting kids to cooperate is easier when you focus on solutions and speak positively.

Describe the problem, not the person.
Instead of blaming (“You always leave your shoes everywhere!”), describe what you see: “I see shoes in the hallway that need to be put away.” This focuses on fixing the problem.
Be clear and specific.
Give simple instructions like, “Please put your toys in the blue bin now.” This is clearer than saying, “Clean up your mess.”
Offer choices.
Giving choices helps kids feel in control. Try, “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting on pajamas?” Choices make kids more willing to listen.

3. Encourage Autonomy and Problem-Solving

Kids learn confidence and important skills when they get to make decisions and solve problems.

Let kids make decisions.
Whether it’s picking an outfit or choosing a snack, letting kids decide helps them feel confident and responsible.
Guide them to find solutions.
Instead of fixing every problem, ask, “What do you think we could do?” or “How can we fix this together?” This teaches creative thinking.
Respect their ideas.
Listen to their suggestions and say things like, “That’s an interesting idea!” or “I can see you worked hard on that.” Kids are more willing to share and problem-solve when they feel respected.

4. Replace Punishment with Constructive Alternatives

Discipline works better when you teach and guide instead of punish.

Express your expectations.
Say what you want, like, “We treat each other with respect in our family,” instead of, “Stop being rude!” This helps kids understand what’s important.
Help them make amends.
When a child makes a mistake, let them fix it. If they spill juice, ask them to help clean it up. This teaches responsibility.
Work together on solutions.
Ask, “What can we do next time to avoid this?” Solving problems as a team builds trust and teaches kids how to handle tough situations.

5. Praise Efforts, Not Just Results

Encouraging effort helps kids stay motivated and confident.

Notice and describe effort.
Instead of saying “Good job,” be specific: “I saw how carefully you colored inside the lines.” This shows you noticed their hard work.
Celebrate progress.
Praise small steps, even if it’s not perfect. Say, “You read more pages today than yesterday!” This makes kids feel proud and want to keep trying.
Focus on actions, not labels.
Talk about what your child did (“You put your toys away by yourself”) instead of calling them “good” or “bad.” This builds confidence and helps them learn which actions matter.

6. Invite Cooperation with Humor and Playfulness

A little fun can make everyday tasks much easier.

Make it playful.
If your child resists, try turning your request into a game or using a funny voice. For example, “Can you march like a robot to the bathroom?” instead of “Go brush your teeth.”
Turn chores into challenges.
Make tidying up fun: “Let’s see if you can put all your toys away before the song ends!” Games make kids want to join in.
Connect before you correct.
Share a laugh or a gentle touch before giving instructions. When kids feel close to you, they’re more likely to listen.

7. Give Children a Role in Setting Limits

Kids are more likely to follow rules when they help create them.

Involve kids in rule-making.
Ask, “What do you think is a fair bedtime on school nights?” When kids help set the rules, they feel respected and want to follow them.
Explain the reasons behind limits.
Instead of just saying, “Don’t jump on the couch,” explain, “Jumping on the couch can break it or hurt you.” Kids are more willing to listen when they understand why.
Let them help solve problems.
If a rule is broken, ask, “What do you think we can do to make sure toys get picked up next time?” This teaches responsibility and shows that their opinions matter.

Final Thoughts

Using these tips from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk can make family life calmer and happier. When you listen with empathy, use positive language, and invite your child to be part of solutions, you build trust and respect. Most importantly, you show your child that their thoughts and feelings matter—a lesson that lasts a lifetime.