Untangled by Lisa Damour | Play-Based Childhood

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Growing up is hard, both for teens and their parents. In her book “Untangled,” Dr. Lisa Damour explains the seven important steps—called transitions—that every teenager goes through on their way to adulthood. Understanding these can help parents support their teens and stay connected, even during tough times.

Below are the main ideas from “Untangled” and practical tips for navigating the teenage years.

1. Understanding the Seven Transitions of Adolescence

Lisa Damour shares that all teens experience seven key changes as they grow up. These transitions help teens become more independent and prepared for adult life.

What Are the Seven Transitions?
The transitions are steps like separating from childhood, making new friends, handling emotions, and more. Each one teaches important life skills, such as making decisions and coping with stress.
Why Do They Matter?
These changes let teens learn how to take care of themselves, solve problems, and build confidence.
How Can Parents Help?
Knowing about these transitions helps parents understand why teens might want more privacy or test the rules. Instead of getting upset, parents can see these as normal parts of growing up and offer support.

2. Parting with Childhood: The Process of Separation

As teens grow, they start to pull away from their parents. This is a normal and healthy part of becoming independent.

Why Teens Pull Away
Teens spend more time with friends and less with family. This helps them figure out who they are on their own.
Why Mood Swings Happen
Teens can seem moody or distant. They might argue more, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about their family. These changes are part of growing up.
How Parents Can Stay Connected
Listen without judging, respect your teen’s need for space, and show love even when things get tough. Simple routines, like family meals or checking in about their day, help keep the connection strong.

3. Joining a New Tribe: Navigating Friendships

Friendships become very important during the teen years. Teens look to their friends for support and acceptance.

Why Friends Matter
Friends help teens feel like they belong. Good friends can boost confidence, but negative groups can lead to risky choices.
How Friend Groups Shape Teens
Teens often act like the friends they spend time with. Being in a positive group helps them feel safe and accepted.
Tips for Parents
Instead of judging new friends, ask open questions and listen. Encourage your teen to make choices that feel right to them, and gently share concerns if you see any problems. This keeps communication open and builds trust.

4. Harnessing Emotions: Managing Intense Feelings

Teenagers often have strong emotions because their brains are still developing.

Why Emotions Are Intense
Feelings like anger, excitement, and sadness can seem very big. This is normal and part of growing up.
How Teens Can Manage Emotions
Simple tools like deep breathing, listening to music, or writing in a journal can help. Saying their feeling out loud—like, “I’m really frustrated right now”—can make it less overwhelming.
How Parents Can Support
Show how to handle tough emotions calmly. Take a walk when stressed, or talk openly about feelings. Listen without judging and remind your teen that everyone has big feelings sometimes.

5. Contending with Adult Authority: Testing Boundaries

Teens start to question rules and challenge adults as they become more independent.

Why Teens Test Limits
Pushing back on rules helps teens learn to make decisions and figure out what they believe.
Why Negotiation Matters
When teens argue or try to negotiate, they’re learning how to stand up for themselves and communicate. Calm discussions teach important skills like compromise.
How to Balance Rules and Empathy
Set clear limits but also listen to your teen’s side. Explain your reasons for rules and make room for honest conversations. This shows respect and helps keep your relationship strong.

6. Planning for the Future: Academic and Life Pressures

School and planning for the future can bring a lot of stress for teens.

Academic Pressure Is Real
Many teens worry about grades and their future. This pressure can feel overwhelming.
Watch for Perfectionism
Signs like getting upset over small mistakes or being afraid to try new things can mean a teen is struggling.
Encourage Healthy Goals
Help your teen set realistic goals and break big tasks into smaller steps. Celebrate progress, not just perfect results.
Teach Resilience
Remind your teen that setbacks are normal. Mistakes are great learning opportunities, and it’s important to keep trying even when things get hard.

7. Caring for Herself: Fostering Independence and Self-Care

Teens need to learn how to take care of their bodies and minds as they grow.

Teaching Responsibility
Encourage teens to handle things like their hygiene, managing stress, and asking for help when needed.
Building Decision-Making Skills
Let your teen make more choices and solve problems, even if they make mistakes. This builds confidence.
Why Sleep, Food, and Feelings Matter
Getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and talking about feelings help teens stay strong both physically and emotionally.
Practical Tips for Parents
Set routines for bedtime, offer healthy snacks, and talk openly about stress. Encourage small steps, like packing their own lunch or setting a sleep schedule, to build independence.

Constructing a New Self: Identity and Authenticity

Teens spend these years figuring out who they are and what they believe.

Trying New Things
It’s normal for teens to change their style, interests, or friend groups as they find out what feels right.
Influence of the World Around Them
Culture, media, and family all shape how teens see themselves and what they value.
Supporting Authenticity
Encourage your teen to be honest about what matters to them. Remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
Tip for Parents
Listen without judging when your teen shares new ideas or changes. This helps them feel safe while they discover who they are.

Practical Advice for Parents: Navigating the Journey Together

Supporting your teen through these transitions can be challenging, but you’re not alone.

Keep Communication Open
Talk with your teen, not just to them. Ask questions, listen carefully, and show you care about their thoughts and feelings.
Be Patient and Empathetic
Remember, teens go through lots of changes and may make mistakes. Try to see things from their point of view and stay calm during arguments.
Encourage Independence
Give your teen chances to make choices and take responsibility. Let them know you’re there for support, not to control every decision.
Stay Positive During Tough Times
Challenges are a normal part of growing up. Stay hopeful and remember that these moments are helping your child grow.

Final Thoughts

“Untangled” offers parents a helpful guide to understanding the ups and downs of the teenage years. By learning about these seven transitions and using the practical tips, you can support your teen as they grow into a confident, caring adult. Remember, every teen is different, and your support makes a big difference on their journey.